2020 & 2021 have taken their toll on me as they have many of you. I truly believed I’d survived the discomforts and heartbreaks of 2020 until my dad passed away this Spring. It was somewhat expected as he’d held onto a life with diminishing health for a solid 15 years and truly a quarter […]
2020 & 2021 have taken their toll on me as they have many of you. I truly believed I’d survived the discomforts and heartbreaks of 2020 until my dad passed away this Spring. It was somewhat expected as he’d held onto a life with diminishing health for a solid 15 years and truly a quarter century if you count back to his first experience with cancer.
The 6 months that followed his death left me weary, as if I’d run most of the marathon but just couldn’t finish the race.
You know the image of someone balancing all the plates with a smile only to have them all land at her feet in pieces? That was me.
I took time to get quiet, be sad and let some of my expectations for myself go. It was uncomfortable, raw and exhausting. And necessary. My husband didn’t quite know how to handle it or make me feel better. I didn’t know what I needed to feel better.
As I finally feel the fog lifting – for the time being at least – I ask my heart consistently what it needs now.
For a while it was space. Quiet. Solitude. Nature.
That shifted into people. Challenge. Putting myself at the top of my list.
I recently took a side job (because in full transparency I make exactly $0 running this business and I also recognized I was spending WAY too much time alone and it wasn’t mentally healthy for me in this season). While I have truly enjoyed it there’ve been discomforts I’ve had to wrestle with. On days I open I leave the house before any of my family is awake. I’ve had to ask for help getting my youngest to school when the older 2 have early activities. I wasn’t there the morning everyone slept through their alarms and were late for school and work.
The little things I normally manage to keep our life smooth and comfortable.
These things are good for me to face. To force me to release a little control and encourage a little more independence and responsibility for our girls. And it’s extremely uncomfortable for me.
I have recently been approached about another job and while it would most certainly make family life easier, I’m checking in with my heart to see what I want. Life is short and while I truly desire and live to make life easier for everyone around me, if I’m not serving myself first, I don’t have a healthy capacity to serve others.
Sometimes that means disappointing others – a space I really don’t like to be in. I’m learning, however, that disappointing ME is the worst thing I can do to myself and my family and others.
So I’m leaning into TAKING HEART by closing my eyes, getting quiet and asking myself what I want to do and what feels right. I invite you to do the same.
Let’s make this life beautiful!